The Start

I have had an on going problem for several years now. I find it hard to separate myself from the people around me. I've been caught up in the drama of who likes me, who I like, who people want me to be, and struggling to please everyone. In this storm that everyone calls high school,the place where everyone is supposed to find themselves, I got stuck, caught between the winds and the waves. I was so busy finding everyone else, I forgot to find myself. Now I know this sounds just like the stereotypical complaint for an 18 year old heading off to college, and in someways it is, but it doesn't matter because this is my road to discovery, this is my own story, whether it's like everyone else's or like nothing you've ever read before, this is my story.

There has always been this pressure to find the best boyfriend and be the cutest couple, I read into this way to often and way too deeply. My entire high school career was centered on finding romance. I moved from one crush to another and never got anywhere, even with all of my efforts I was never able to catch anyone. It's easy to admit that you've never been in a relationship when you're 15 and have homecomings and proms and everything in between to look forward to, the idea of being the prom queen still seems possible, at 18, after all the dances and charades have come and gone, the thought of never having had a relationship becomes an embarrassing flaw, and never being kissed is like an insult to all of humanity, and that was my train of thought for a long time. I'm no longer going to base self accomplishments on other peoples time frames. 

I don't know which direction my life is going, I'm being tossed in the air and flying in circles, everyone I thought I new is changing and heading down their own path, most are rediscovering whereas I have yet to discover. Most the time I feel like I'm lost on a road going nowhere. I want to break free from that, from the drama, from the expectations, from social ideals and ludicrous assumptions of what life should be. Therefore, during this brief summer, at the start of my new chapter, I am breaking up with relationships and I'm drowning other people expectations. 

I need to take some time to become myself, to recognize the voice inside my head. I'm doing what I want the way I want to do it. In a few months I hope to be someone else with new perspectives and different outlooks.This is me trying to find me.